Letter From An Iowa Farm Kid / WHEN HALLMARK WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY

LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECR UIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,

etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's

no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't

move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Alice






Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day ???

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
**************

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
**************

Looking back over the years

That we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"
*************

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
*************

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
*************

I've always wanted to have

Someone to hold,

Someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.
**************

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
**************

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
**************

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.
**************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
**************

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
**************

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.
**************

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?
**************

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
**************

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?
**************

Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
**************

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay !

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