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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Business Lessons

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door
neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband
says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders
in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his
hand. Then, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father,
remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent,
the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in
your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first
Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.'Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the
sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's
gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why
not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you
nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth day, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6 - MY FAVORITE

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the
pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut

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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths ', I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive
internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson, Corvallis , OR

5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

7. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

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