Forwarded E-mailed Jokes For A Few Laughs !!!

A guy goes to the super market and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the
wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the
woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What
do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So
does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat:

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful,' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! -- that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning, 'OH MY GOD!' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

'She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife.'

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PREGNANT TURKEY STORY(Fiction?) (NO!)
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!'At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

------------------------------------------------

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville,
Florida, and sees a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more -
'Can you give me some more
details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies
'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub
in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going
to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about
620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'

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Proof That Pure Evil Lives Among Us

Babys autopsy reveals signs of long-term abuse
By Rene Ruelas
Sun-News

The autopsy of 5-month-old Brianna Lopez revealed she had suffered abuse most of her short life in what deputies say is one of the worst cases of child abuse they have ever seen.
Her parents are among those charged with her death.
Brianna was pronounced dead Friday morning at Memorial Medical Center after she was rushed there when attempts to revive her failed, Doa Ana County Sheriffs Sgt. Ed Miranda said.
Friday night, police arrested Briannas parents, Stephanie Lopez, 19, and Andy Walters, 21, and uncle, Steven Lopez, 19. They each are charged with child abuse resulting in death. Walters also was charged with criminal sexual penetration of the baby.
Deputies have now interviewed the six adults and two children who lived in the home with Brianna. Miranda said the family is being cooperative.
The autopsy revealed a long list of injuries that appeared to have been inflicted over an extended period of time upon the little girl who was born on Valentines Day.
On Monday, Miranda detailed the multiple injuries found on the babys body. He said Brianna had 11 human bite marks in varied stages of healing, multiple bruises, fractures to two right ribs, three skull fractures, swelling of the brain and signs of shaken baby syndrome. Brianna also had fractures to both legs, an injury experts say is commonly caused by picking up the child with a quick, jerking motion by the legs.
Investigators will obtain dental impressions to determine who made the bite marks.
In court records, Walters admitted to biting Brianna, but said he "did not take a chunk out of her." Walters said his 18-month-old son also bit the baby. He said that Stephanie Lopez also bit and pinched her when she became frustrated with Brianna.
According to Miranda, Walters and Steven Lopez were drinking beer Thursday night when they began to toss Brianna into the air, hitting her head on the ceiling and at least twice failing to catch her before she hit the floor.
Stephen Lopez told investigators that he had drunk 10 beers from a case that Walters admitted buying.
Stephanie Lopez said she had about three beers, then fell asleep. The next morning, she told investigators, she found Brianna on the floor and was unable to wake her.
Walters said when Stephanie Lopez asked what happened to Brianna, he told her "we played a little rough with her last night."
Miranda said additional charges will be filed.
"There are definite signs of neglect and failure to protect," he said.
The three defendants were arraigned Monday, and bond was set at $250,000 each, Miranda said.
Miranda said it is the worst case of child abuse he has seen in his law enforcement career.
"Brianna has been the most severe," Miranda said. "This is a difficult case that is complex to work."
The investigation and what it has revealed has been emotional for the officers working on the case. Miranda said counselors were brought in Monday night to help them deal with the case.
"When you have parents hurting children, you have a lot of emotions," Miranda said.
Sheriffs records show no child abuse reports made at the home. Miranda said there have been domestic disturbance calls, but none involving children.
The two other children, Briannas 18-month-old brother and 8-year-old uncle, are in protective custody. Miranda said the children have no visible signs of neglect or abuse.
Miranda said while law enforcement, medical personnel and teachers are required to report suspected child abuse, it is the communitys duty to do the same.

Timeline of events according to police documents

Thursday night, July 18th, at 6 p.m., Andy Walters stopped to buy a case of beer, and headed home to 5243 Comanche Trail in Las Cruces.

Three people-- Walters, 21, Stephanie Lopez, 19, and her twin brother Steven Lopez, 19, drink through the evening.

Stephanie went to bed after about three beers. According to court documents, Andy Walters and Steven Lopez admitted to playing with Stephanie and Walters's 5-month old daughter, Brianna.

Police records show that Walters and Lopez threw the child into the air, causing her to hit her head on the ceiling 3 times, then dropped her twice on the floor.

Andy Walters told investigators that Brianna was conscious and crying.

At around 12:30 a.m., Friday morning, Andy Walters fell asleep not knowing where Brianna was.

At three in the morning, Walters says he awoke to find Brianna on the floor near the bed. He said he wrapped her in a blanket and put her in a bouncer.

By 7 a.m., Brianna needed a diaper change. Stephanie Lopez asked about the bruises on Brianna, and according to court documents, Walters admitted that he and Steven Lopez "played a little rough with her".

Walters changed the diaper and took a baby wipe, wrapped it around his index finger and inserted it into brianna's anus.

The complaint also states Andy Walters admitted he bit Brianna on several occasions, but he told Dona Ana County Sheriff's Deputies he is not not the only family member to bite Brianna.

Walters also told authorites that Stephanie Lopez pinched and threw Brianna out of frustration.

The uncle, Steven Lopez, admits to throwing Brianna in the air and not catching her. Steven Lopez claims to have drunk ten beers the previous night.

During his interview with Sheriff's Deputies, Steven Lopez admitted to having sex with Brianna Lopez. (she was 5 months old!!!) Adding that he, as well as Andy Walters, had penetrated Brianna on several different occasions.

By 10 a.m., July 19th, Stephanie Lopez checks on her daughter, notices Brianna is not breathing, and she calls 9-1-1.

11:10 am, Friday July 19th, five month old Brianna Lopez dies at Memorial Medical Center in Las Cruces.

Autopsy results show Brianna Lopez had 11 bite marks on her body, broken ribs, skull fractures, bleeding of the optic nerves and brain swelling.

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Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

Is this what the 24/7 news could come to ?


Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

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Nando's Burgers

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Explaining Politics To Your Children

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

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Stephen Wiltshire A Truely Amazing Autistic Memory Artist

An interesting documentary about Stephen Wiltshire, an autistic man who can make extremely realistic drawings of things he has only seen once.



The living camera

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