Becky Barry is a little girl from Dublin, Ireland who makes prank calls to random people and gets them going. For an 8 (eight) year old this little girl has a great sense of humor and timing to go with it. You can hear her doing some of her pranks Here and more Here...
becky barry, little irish girl prank calls, dublin, ireland, prank calls, humor, funny, jokes
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A guy goes to the super market and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the
wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the
woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What
do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So
does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'
-------------------------------------------------------
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful,' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! -- that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning, 'OH MY GOD!' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
'She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife.'
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PREGNANT TURKEY STORY(Fiction?) (NO!)
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!'At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
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A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville,
Florida, and sees a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more -
'Can you give me some more
details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies
'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub
in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going
to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about
620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door
neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband
says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders
in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his
hand. Then, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father,
remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent,
the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in
your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first
Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.'Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the
sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's
gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first
say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why
not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you
nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth day, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6 - MY FAVORITE
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the
pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut
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Feds search Vick's property in dogfighting case
SURRY, Va. — Federal agents investigating possible dogfighting searched property owned by Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick today.
Portsmouth’s WAVY-TV broadcast video of investigators working under a blue tarp on a portion of Vick’s wooded property in southeastern Virginia. They were sifting dirt collected in white buckets and clearing brush. Some wore T-shirts with the wording “POLICE.”
"Bad Newz Kennels" ran dog fights on Michael Vick property
The federal authorities alleged in court documents, that Virginia property owned by the Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, was used by an outfit named "Bad Newz Kennels" to stage area for housing and training the pit bills involved in the illegal dog fights. The feds searched the property of Michael Vick again on Friday, but did not comment on any findings.
Michael Vick, who claims to have rarely visited the property, has not been named in the court papers, nor have any charges been filed against the Atlanta Falcons player. But they allege that illegal dog fights have been staged on Vick's property as far back as 2002, and many people travelled from the neighboring states to witness the activity or to participate with their own dogs. Members of the "Bad Newz Kennels" have also travelled around those states with their dogs.
From Yoga to Hockey. Fulfill your Passion on CafePress
Technorati Tags:atlanta falcons, dogfighting, falcons qb vick, dome, humor, vick, carolina, georgia, sports, alias, atlanta, falcons, pro, flcons vick, michael vick, vick dogfighting
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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
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An office manger at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four
people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table. The
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now You sir?"
He asked the second man.
"Hmm.! .. Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it
ever happened. A BL INK is the fastest thing I know of.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light,"
he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same
question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress andstep into the showers before they realize there is NO SOAP.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, notbothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to theshowers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against thewall and FREEZES like he's a STATUE.The nuns stop and comment on how "life-like" he looks. The first nunsuddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap!"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood.Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to have a g o.She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens.So she gives several more tugs.....then yells,"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!"
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft
background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase
a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were
going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before." It was fantastic! "Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
IRS Abuse Reports
Are you
a hard-working, middle-class American?
a law-abiding, taxpaying citizen?
Do you believe that no harm can come to you and your loved ones from the Internal Revenue Service (the IRS)? Any such belief will change after reading the following IRS Abuse Reports. Those reports are from law-abiding, hard-working taxpayers like you -- honest taxpayers who suddenly found themselves being methodically, cruelly, criminally destroyed by an out-of-control bureaucracy. Indeed, the IRS is a juggernaut, not for tax collection, but for power expansion through fear and destruction.TheVanguard.Org Flat Tax: Tax Code Horror Stories"
Tax Code Horror Stories
Example: IRS Abuse - Pennsylvania
"For more than a decade, Ernest Kugler, Jr. was locked in a struggle with the IRS over taxes the agency said he owed from his heating and cooling business. Kugler of Export, Pa., near Pittsburgh, offered partial payment of the $60,000 the agency demanded, but the IRS would not budge. He filed for bankruptcy four times, to consolidate his debts to the IRS and others, but his tax liability kept growing. Despite his efforts to pay, Kugler continued to receive dunning letters and calls from agents demanding the rest of his bill, which with penalties and interest had swelled to $155,000 by this spring. On May 15, he dropped his wife, Darlene, at the federal building in Pittsburgh for a meeting with the bankruptcy trustee and the agent handling his case. Kugler told her that he could not face another futile session with the tax collectors. They found his body four days later in the cab of his pickup truck in a wooded gully not far from his house, dead of carbon monoxide poisoning at age 53. The short, unhappy story of Ernest Kugler is one of hundreds told to investigators for the Senate Finance Committee. Committee staffers say that while the bleak conclusion of Kugler's tale is obviously more extreme than most, it is emblematic of the way the IRS operates - inflexible, insensitive, intrusive and, ultimately, ineffective."
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck,when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted...
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
